Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Sunday, August 1, 2010

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle.'

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller ..

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster 's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small-sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper- and lower-case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the Upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence multi-tasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver.

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa 's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white..

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).

27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart, "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail."

Sunday, February 8, 2009

MY APPETITE IS MY SHEPHERD (POUND 23)

MY APPETITE IS MY SHEPHERD (POUND 23)

My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.

It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.

It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.

Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.

When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.

Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.

Friday, January 9, 2009

One for the Girls... LOL



One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord
my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, Please no bags


And please lift my butt before it sags.


Please no age spots, Please no gray


And as for my belly, Please take it away.


Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,


And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.


Five tips for a woman....
1.
It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2.
It is important that a man makes you laugh
3.
It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4.
It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5.
It is important that these four men don't know each other!


Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts'


*Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!!!
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